


The Mahabharata Diaries

by ALannister



Category: Mahabharata - Vyasa
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALannister/pseuds/ALannister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its 2015 & Krishna is back on Earth as Kalki trying to find reasons why Mahadev should spare Earth. But the Pandavas are already missing him terribly & decide to visit him one at a time. Following are the diary entries of their time on Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Krishna

As I locked my cellphone I wondered if the Nara & Narayan thing had gone on for too long now. It is as if the Pandavas could not exist without me. Babysitting them through one Yuga was more than enough, but now I am back on Earth for an important mission & already Parth was missing me. I had hardly been away for a week when the Pandavas had suddenly thought that now might be an appropriate time to visit the Earth once again. But the Government's "Hum Do Hamare Do" mission had saved me. With no woman having five babies written in her future the Pandavas have decided to visit me; while I am working here; one at a time. It isn't that I do not love them any longer. I do. They will always hold a special place in my heart but so would Earth. And at the moment I am here to collect data for Mahadev. Mahadev needed to know why Earth & the Earthlings deserved to survive any longer. I was determined that I would save the Earth from Mahadev's wrath at all costs. The Pandvas would just have to learn to adjust without me.

 

His cellphone pinged.

 

...or maybe not!


	2. Bhim

**23rd Nov:**

 

I am never ever going to a restaurant again!! Yesterday I had been to McDonald's & had ordered a happy meal. I was disgusted by what I got. Even as a child I would have eaten five of these happy meals in one go! And what was I supposed to do with that hideous plastic doll they gave me? Honestly I would have just preferred something edible than that! And as if the quantity wasn't small in itself a little kid tried to steal my French fries. I found the boy staring at the toy on my tray. Out of the goodness of my heart I offered him the toy. He thought that meant that he was allowed to touch my fries. I caught the little thief's hand as he would have popped the fries in to his mouth & instead gobbled it up myself. The kid let out a scream which rendered the entire restaurant silent for a few minutes. The spoilt brat's mother joined in the screaming. It would have escalated further had Krishna (or Kalki as I am supposed to call him on Earth) not interfered. This was one meal which did not make me happy at all. Krishna did manage to calm me with something called a softie later though. Though I needed three of those as well! Seriously, bigger portions please!

 

**1st Dec:**

 

Some things never change. One of them is that some people deserve a good pounding. Like Duryodhan (he is known as Duryodhan now, no one even remembers that that isn't his real name, jerk totally deserves it!)...or like that man at the bus stop. The ladies & Nakul had asked me to pick up a few things while I was here. So this past Sunday Krishna took me shopping. We waited patiently for the bus to arrive. But no sooner did the bus come than a man started rushing past us. He shoved an old man & indecently brushed against a lady. And then he tried to elbow past me. Catching him by the elbow I threw him out of the bus & pushed a shocked Krishna inside. The conductor tried to say something but his voice ended up like a squeak when I glared at him. Krishna is still amused though he says he is never getting in a bus in Mumbai without me by his side ever again. Apparently it was Krishna's first time in a public transport bus too. He confided that he had been too scared to board a bus in the past. I assured him that he need not fear as long as I was with him!

 

**31st Dec:**

 

Home delivery is a boon for people like me, people who relish their food instead of picking at it with weird prongs & sticks. I had ordered a large pizza today loaded with double cheese which I find I like as much as Ma's laddoos. Along with the pizza were chicken nuggets & garlic bread. The person taking my order had suggested a Coke or Pepsi but I had refused. With the bottle proudly claiming it contains no fruit juice, I am still trying to understand why these people are so intent on piling their stomachs with artificial flavours. I would sooner down a few glasses of fresh milk. People these days celebrate the last day of the year in winter & I too have decided to join in the celebrations. Alone, away from family & after a hearty meal worthy of a warrior I curl up under the sheets. Krishna has gone away for a few days with a lady friend of his. He calls her his girlfriend. Some things never change! I on the other hand have chosen to stay back & watch WWF on Krishna's laptop. It had taken a lot of convincing on my part for Krishna to leave the damned thing behind. It was as if I was asking him to leave a part of his soul back. But in the end he had agreed & I binge watched each & every of those epic matches cheering for the mightiest & the most talented, wishing they were in the room with me, and knowing I could humble them all.


	3. Arjun

**7th Jan:**

 

My first morning back on Earth & I am already bored. Krishna has left me alone & gone off to do what he calls a job. Apparently these days everyone needs to work for a living. With the concept of royals & royalty long forgotten everyone works from dawn to dusk. Even Keshav! As if running the world which is so hell bent on destroying itself isn't taxing enough.

 

As I was wandering about in the room (Krishna lives in something called a flat which has just two rooms!!! My heart aches for the poor soul!) I came across a bright orange note stuck on Keshav's laptop.

 

_Have downloaded a movie for you. Watch it till I get back_.

 

I flicked open Krishna's laptop & smiled approvingly at the beautiful woman occupying the screen of his laptop. Realizing that no amount of staring would make the woman pop out of the screen I decided to start the movie. My eyes hurt as the movie's title came on screen.

 

_Karan Arjun_!

 

Damn!

 

I sat with anger boiling inside me at the constant mention of Karan & Arjun. By the end of the movie I myself would have gone running to the old mother if her Karan Arjun hadn't come back to her by then!

 

Later that night when I told Krishna about it he almost died laughing. By then even I had started finding the whole melodrama a little funny. In spite of their love for war & destruction, Kaliyugis sure love to romanticize my relationship with Karna. But that isn't the only thing they have got wrong. I wasn't vain, but I was more handsome amongst the two of them. How could they have chosen the better looking actor to be Karna?


	4. Draupadi

** 20th Jan: **

I flicked through the women's magazine I had picked last night.

Page 14: Accept yourself as you are

Page 15: How to lose 4Kgs in 1 week

Page 16: Best cake recipe

No amount of time could change women. In the end we always want to look good, eat better & be the best! I recognized all of that within myself. Even a Queen could fall prey to all this, for even she was a woman.

 

** 24th Jan: **

Yesterday I had put on the TV. The plays which were common in our Yuga are even now played out on this box. The actors have changed naturally. But the story remains the same, although the story tellers are more hypocrites today, what with women being straight imports out of some imagined heaven & the men having no role other than catching the woman who kept tripping every once in a while.

Getting bored as I changed channels I came upon a woman talking in a hurried tone.

"Do not forget you saw this first on XXX channel."

I felt the bile rise in my throat as the screen blurred a little & on came two men beating a woman to pulp, dragging her, kicking her while she screamed in pain. What came next all became a blur to me as I recalled another time, long, long ago when I had been similarly kicked. And before that dragged.

Had nothing changed?

 

** 25th Jan: **

When Krishna came home yesterday I was sitting with the lights switched off, deep in thought. Seeing that I was upset Krishna took it upon himself to cheer me up. He took me out for dinner (where we were served food in really tiny portions). I smiled as I recalled Bhim's anger. I could almost understand his frustration now. They truly did eat very little these days.

 

After a long meal, the cool wind blowing off the sea beckoned us to the beach. It was relatively empty. I sat on the wet sand, studying the waves which shimmered under moonlight. We talked about everything & anything, exchanged stories from centuries past, talked & laughed till I realized the tight knot in my stomach had dissolved to be replaced by a quiet calm. I can always trust Krishna to do what was best for me. The Yuga didn't matter; this man would always know how to give me back my peace.


	5. Krishna

**1st Feb:**

 

I had come here to do some serious work dammit! How was I supposed to get anything done if the Pandavas kept on popping up on me every once in a while? The Pandavas coming was still OK, but now the Kauravas too? He needed to meet Shiv & needed to explain in details as to why Earth didn't deserve to drown in its own misery. And he couldn't do it while he was acting as a tour guide to the Kauravas. But Suyodhan wasn't someone to be left behind. If the Pandavas did something, he had to do it too. Even the passing of an entire Yuga couldn't change that fact. Now that the Pandavas had visited him on Earth & Bhim had narrated detailed, if slightly exaggerated stories of the wonderful times they had spent here, Suyodhan had decided to pay him a visit. A late night IM had informed him (informed, not asked) that he should expect Prince Suyodhan tonight. Krishna had had every intention of messaging him that Prince Suyodhan could expect a closed door if he came tonight but in the end he had let it be. The sooner he got this done & over with the better. Poor Mother Earth did not need more troubles. And Suyodhan in a bad mood could cause as much havoc as Shiv in rage.

***

 

The printer hummed as it ejected the freshly printed, slightly warm copies of the newspaper articles. He would leave it lying here for Suyodhan to read hoping he would get the message. Without Daddy to take care of him, Krishna needed Suyodhan to understand a few basic things right away.


	6. Suyodhan

**2nd Feb:**

 

Krishna's bachelor pad is modest at best. You would expect a God to have more lavish arrangements. But I guess I will have to make do with these.

I had noticed the newspaper articles straight away. Apparently women now a day could even kill a man in self defense! How cruel! Another article read of a man being beaten by a group of ladies for passing lewd comments. What was wrong with these men? Being beaten up by a woman and all? But then they were after all descendents of the Pandavas, weren't they? All these people were! Not very subtle of Krishna to leave these articles strewn all over the bed but then he wasn't his BFF like Arjun. Why would he spare his feelings? With some disgust I pushed those articles aside & settled with the laptop Bhim had so raved about. I need to watch these wrestlers ASAP. It feels so cool to be saying things like BFF & ASAP! The woman on Krishna's laptop screen was gorgeous. Bhim hadn't mentioned her. Of course he wouldn't! He had no taste.

My eyes wandered to a folder with Arjun's name on it. Dying with curiosity I opened the folder. Forgetting WWF I got busy watching Karan Arjun, comparing the Karan on screen with my Radheya. My Karna is a lot more handsome than this guy, though truth be told this one isn't so bad either. After the movie had ended I deleted it. What a whole bunch of trash. As if Karan Arjun ever existed. It should have been titled Karan Suyodhan.

 

Introduced to the wonderful world of movies & the internet I spent a great amount of time downloading Chota Bhim. Cartoon! Typical! But then why hasn't someone made something on me?


	7. Nakul

**10th Feb:**

 

It is so stupid of Sahadev to not go visit Krishna just because he proved his 2012 prediction wrong! So what if the apocalypse didn't hit Earth as Sahadev had predicted?

I switched on my iPad. I wouldn't leave my centuries old practice. I won't abandon my little brother & go to Earth alone. But even Sahadev couldn't deny me my little earthly guilty pleasures. The iPad was a gift from Bhratashri Bhim. And he knew how to use it well...

GQ! 

The latest issue of the magazine was up on their website. I stared at the actor on the cover page. I do not understand this generation's fascination with six packs. I flexed my biceps. A man could look good even without them. I had managed to make the ladies swoon in my time. I had wedded the most beautiful woman of my times without needing to have a chiseled body. Krishna had his charm, but even he had compared poorly to me where looks were concerned. And these Kaliyugis needed to stop thinking that they had invented the six packs. Bhratashri Bhim had them before it was cool.

I scrolled through the magazine admiring the clothes in it. I had even tried some of the fancy hairstyles they had suggested in the magazine a few months back till Matashri's laughter had driven me back to my old look. But I had continued using all the hair products the magazine advertised. I even managed to bribe my Bhratas to get some of them for me while they had been to visit Krishna. And while I had debated trying on the new Fair & Handsome men's cream, in the end I had decided to skip it. I don't need to be fair. Hell, people a few continents away would die to obtain a tan like mine.

After browsing through GQ I switched to Men's Health. I would have waited for Bhratashri Bhim but he was away with Draupadi & I knew that if Bhratashri loved something more than his health then it was spending time with Panchali.

The day swiftly went by as I practiced a few newly invented yoga poses which are said to tone your body.

 

I need to get a haircut soon. My hair has grown real long & unruly. Maybe I will find something in the magazines. 

 


	8. Krishna

**18th Feb:**

 

Finally its over! And in a what a manner!

Bhratashri Yudhishthir had almost clicked SEND. Ever since he had come to visit me he had buried himself in my laptop reading anything & everything. But what fascinated him most was the Taliban & ISIS. Every evening when I returned from my work I would find him close to tears. I had started dreading dinner where he would tell me of the cruel atrocities of the terrorist groups. He was disgusted by the various Governments who couldn't protect their subjects.

And just yesterday, finally giving in to his days of frustration, he had drafted a sternly worded letter suggesting ways in which the world could understand the terrorist groups. His letter strongly advised the Governments to forgive the terrorist & punish the idea of terrorism failing which the world could expect a third world war anytime now. He said he had been waiting for me to come back from work so he could send the mail to all the Heads of Nations if I approved. The letter in itself was nothing except for one line: if you need any assistance for your peace mission, please contact my friend, philosopher & guide: Shri Krishna, the man who guided the Pandavas to victory.

HELL NO!

What was wrong with him.

It was with great difficulty that I managed to convince him to leave the world to me. I gently added that with Arjun & Bhim not at his side, it might not be a wise thing to get involved with terrorists in any way. After a lot of discussion & some Maya from my side I was able to convince Yudhishthir against sending the damned mail.

 

He left an hour ago, extremely disappointed with the state of affairs down here. I just hope he can hide his disappointment from Shiv, in case they ever meet. Shiv might just fast forward his plan & dissolve the whole world in a jiffy!


End file.
